Crushed // When the Cancer Strikes Again

Crushed. That sums up just about everything this morning. Crushed. Like a boulder that has been tottering on the top of this mountain we've been climbing just started rolling and smacked us with it's full force. 

Can I say it? Can I be angry? 

I hate cancer. I despise it. 

We were on the top of the mountain. Rejoicing in God's miracles for a miraculous healing from Ryan's surgery. We've been praying for his faith to be strengthened. But this fire we're walking through? I feel like we're all just going to turn to dust. 

When you wake up with this news, and you go downstairs and you hear your parents crying and you listen as your father tries to convey something over the phone but his voice is just too choked up to be understood....

Crushed. 

How do you still believe in miracles? When your dad comes in to kiss you goodmorning and his eyes are swollen from crying, and he has had the faith of a warrior that the miracle would come? When I can do nothing but shake like I'm cold but it's all just shock? 

I can't process it all. I can't. I can't. 

It's here that all you can do is just beg the Holy Spirit to intercede with groans beyond human comprehension. I have no words. I don't know what to pray. As a cancer family, you go from the top of the mountain to crushed in the valley in a matter of hours. It's too much. Just too much. 

And yet He promises He will not give us more than we can handle. 

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. More than that, I don't want my brother to be bitter or angry. I refuse to turn my back on God. Refuse. I will cling to Him because just one miracle is enough. I pray that He grants us more. But I have to believe that He is still good. I cannot demand only good from Him. I need to let Him walk with me through these flames. I cannot let my faith be burned. 

I must still say, "You are God, You are good, You are faithful." 

I'm crushed. We're all crushed. But we still have to trust that He will bind up our wounds. He will bind up our hearts. He will make Himself so known to us through the fire. This is in His plan. He knows what's going on. His heart breaks for us as all these emotions rage war against our bodies. But He wants to teach us. To have us grow so closer to His heart through this. 

We are crushed, but not abandoned. 

Please, pray for us all.  

Beautiful Brokenness

How do you put into words the beautiful brokenness that this journey gives you? 

Sometimes, I just have to sit back in silence to see what Yehovah has done. To breathe. To recall, to remember. To claim His promises in the dark, to hold on to the flickering light of hope. 

This journey is painful. It burns. It strips away all that I thought was certain and sure. It causes me to let go of what I hold dear. I don't want to. My flesh, it wrestles against it. I want my will. I want my desires. I want to demand of God to give me what I want, what I think is best. 

But oh, His ways are so much higher than mine. 

And you know? It's worth it. It's worth it to be humbled to this place of surrender. It's worth it to be able to stand boldly on the promises of the Most High. It's worth it to have faith- a deep, undying faith that cannot be shaken. 

This cancer journey, it's been filled with brokenness. Broken emotions, broken dreams, broken hearts. But, it's in this brokenness when we're vulnerable and able to share openly with each other without reservations. There is so much deep beauty in that. 

The memory I treasure the most from our Texas trip was holding my brother's hand after he came out of surgery, the way he lifted his head to kiss my cheek, the way he told me over and over that he loved me and squeezed my hand as we talked. 

But my next favorite memory? It was beautiful brokenness with my cousin. 

I have always admired, respected, and looked up to my cousin. I don't think I've ever seen her not put together. That gal looks beautiful even after she just rolls out of bed. She always says the right things, beautiful things that somehow make you just spill your heart out to her. But that night before the surgery, as we all line up to say goodnight- and goodbye- to my beloved brother...she sits there. I kiss my brother, and I wish I could hold him forever...but I see her in the corner of my eye. I see the tears. I see the brokenness. 

And God moves me. My arms wrap around her, and the broken prayer comes forth from my faltering lips as she cries and I fight the tears and I ask the Father to help us because I am so broken and worn and tired. It was brokenness...beautiful brokenness. To hold this amazing woman that I love so much and to be able to cry together to the Father. This, this is what the journey is all about. 

Falling at His feet....humbled that He works in our lives. 

And today? My bestie and I sit on the floor, and we pour our hearts out in joint prayer over so many things that are laid on our burdened hearts. And all of the sudden, the tears burst forth from my soul. I start sobbing as I pray, and she wraps her arms around me. There's so much on my heavy heart, so many loved ones that I'm crying out for. I'm worn from praying, from wrestling in prayer. I'm so broken. So unworthy to come before this Mighty God. But there's so much beauty here. Broken sisters. Vulnerable together, laying down burdens before His Throne. 

Oh, it's beautiful. Because we don't have it all together. We're human- we're broken. We fail. We aren't perfect. We aren't humble- but He knows how to humble us and to show us just how Mighty He is. It's in the fire that unyielding trust and confidence is forged in Him. He doesn't give us these trials to inflict pain upon us- He's so merciful to allow these things into our lives to cause us to dive into a deeper relationship with Him. To allow Him to hold our hand and to walk us through these things. To allow Him to teach us. To shape us. To use us. 

It's beautiful to be broken. 

Faith // Flood Me

Faith. 

When plan A goes right past plans B and C and on through plan W and we still don't know what we're doing, when we're doing the things He asks us to and yet we're not completely sure why, when you're walking downtown and you don't just see "the homeless"- you see their faces and you hear their voices and would you still have the faith to proclaim the name of Yehovah and speak of His goodness as that man did today when I walked in the park? Would I?

Faith. 

When you're jumping elevators trying to climb to the 22nd floor, when you wonder why drawing near to God couldn't be this easy too, when you're overlooking this vast city and feel so small towering high above the stadiums and hospitals and high rises, when you feel even more insignificant knowing that all this, this is no more than mere specs in the palm of the Creator, and how can we ever feel like we're truly somebody?

Faith.

When you sit up there and wait for the sun to set and never doubt that it will, when you're standing this tall above the world and never question that the floor won't slip out from under you, when you have the courage to let your heart spill- through music, through conversation, through a life lived without reservations- or will you just hold it all inside from fear of the unknowns?

Faith.

When the cancer patients gather here, when they emerge from their rooms to watch this glorious glow of fire, when you know that some must wonder if this sunset will be their last, when you listen in the silent hush to the two cancer patients behind you as they encourage one another to believe His promises, that He's always been enough, and how many times a day do I doubt His sovereignty in my perfect little world? In things so petty?

Faith.

When you're talking to the 36 year old woman who has only known since last June that cancer is wrapping itself around her body and engulfing her liver, when you listen to her say that she still believes in miracles as she sits there with feet tucked up underneath her and more monitors on the pole than I've ever seen before, when you see her beautiful face and yet your stomach is sick because why do these things happen? And how can she keep this faith aflame?

Faith.

When you're angry because you just can't fix all these problems, when you pray and the words come stumbling out, when the head hits the pillow and sleep finally falls- and now here goes the fire alarm, and we all go crazy out the door, and what are the most important things to grab? What do you grab in 10 seconds without your mind thinking? Adrenaline soaring?

Faith. God, flood me to overflowing. 

Faith and trust. They go hand in hand. So God, give me the faith to trust You, and the trust to have faith in You...come what may, day by day, for You, You alone, are more than enough for all my needs.

(tomorrow we say our goodbyes to Texas and head back home. prayer appreciated! and don't just keep Ryan in your prayers- keep 36 year old Kelly there, too.)

Joy // Flood Me

Joy.

When you're praying with a sister and come back from the prayer closet and this news greets your ear, when your heart sings a thousand hallelujahs, when the birds sing in the trees and who knew a brown Texas could look so green and beautiful? 

Joy. 

When the sunshine outside can finally touch my soul and He warms me from the inside out, when the flowers perfume the air and you can see beauty in this broken world, when each step you take is with more confidence in Him and isn't this what trials should do to you?

Joy. 

When the men break their fast and dad holds me while our hearts sing praise, when you're standing in the center of the food court reading the news and we gobble up His story before the food hits the table, when you follow the Father's leading and you SEE how all these fragments fit together, and shouldn't we all stand in awe that He should reveal a glimpse of His majestic sovereignty?

Joy.

When this story of our lives touches another cancer patient, tears streaming down her face, and dad tells her that her Creator loves her and has beautiful things for her, and we're all in a puddle of humble tears as  Yehovah God moves us and leads us for His glory- because isn't this what pain is all about?  

Joy.

When a father goes back to see his son, and can you imagine the love the Father has for His? 

Joy.

When I hold his hand and he squeezes back, when we say "I love you" again and again because we know now that this life is so fragile, when he kisses my cheek and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, when this smile won't leave my face because I'm talking with him and we have undivided attention, and when's the last time you gave your brother yours?

Joy. God, You have flooded me to overflowing.

(yes, two posts in one day. but this heart is singing praise- even though it's not all over yet. with the surgery behind us, these next few days are critical and he's not out of the woods yet. continued prayers for pain management and healing!)

Strength // Flood Me

Strength.

When I'm running on 48 hours with only 6 hours of sleep, when there's no time for a shower but just slap some make-up on and hope I look human, when we all sit around in the lobby at 5 in the morning waiting, when he finally walks in the door and how can you add the "good" to the "morning"? 

Strength.

When you watch this brother kiss his sons goodbye and watch as the wife takes a last photo of them being kissed by daddy, when you watch the two of them walk these long steps towards the hospital hand in hand, when you hear the horrible details of a surgery and know the pain he will go through and why is it that we can't share the pain with him? Ease it somehow?

Strength.

When the familiar smell of the cancer ward hits your nostrils, when the memories hit of a summer full of chemo, when we all gather in this waiting room, when you watch your father lay his hands on his son and we all gather 'round and do the same, when you watch your big brother cry across the room by himself because how does a man let these emotions out as you watch your sibling suffer?

Strength.

When you hear him say "See you on the other side", when you hug him and kiss him and wish you could hold on forever, when youngest and oldest siblings embrace in tears and I wrap my arms around these two big men that I love with all my heart and I sob with them, when my arms are full of them and yet they feel so empty because we're missing one of us. 

Strength.

When this head pounds, when you see your father and oldest brother sitting side by side and pray their hearts heal together, when you're in a waiting room full of people of all different situations, when everyone shows their emotion in their own way, when you're praying you can be His Eyes and His Voice and His Hands and His Feet but sometimes perhaps we are just called to be His Tears?

Strength.

When it's not even 7 in the morning yet we're already exhausted, when physical strength wears out with the emotional, when this surgery hasn't even begun yet but this day seems like an eternity already, when I know there's others that haven't been able to show their emotions and how do you help them know that it's okay to share?

Strength.

When your mind is filled of the horrors he must go through, when you think of clamped lungs and gasping for air, when it feels like the air is being sucked out of my lungs, when you're not sure how to minister to others because you need to be ministered to, too, when you see the doctors in their white coats and scrubs and caps walk by and you wonder whose lives will be forever changed? 

Strength.

When you just feel lonely, when you need a hug, when there are those who are hundreds of miles away but I so wish I could just cry on their shoulder and be held and feel secure in someone's arms, when I'm the one praying broken prayers and how long O Father do I have to cry for help? 

Strength. God, flood me to overflowing! 

(today has come- surgery day. may we all be filled with His strength and rest in what He has planned from the beginning of time.)

Grace // Flood Me

Grace. 

When you've gone from adrenaline rush highs in the dimly dawning morning, when you've hopped from airport to airport, when you've flown 32,000 feet about this bluish green spinning marble we call earth, when you've dragged bags and slung others, when you've prayed for those you pass by and beg for Him to give you His Eyes and who knew cancer was such a conversation starter? 

Grace. 

When you realize that all these things you think are "needs" are really "wants" and all you really want to do by the 3rd airport is rid yourself not just of these burdens but the burdens of your soul as well, when plans change and flights delay and people aren't where they are supposed to be- and you forget they really are where He wants them to be, when the news from the doctor are promising and there is always hope and why do we doubt His sovereignty? 

Grace. 

When these worn feet finally kick off the shoes but can't kick off the exhaustion, when this family is tired and yet we cannot waste this precious day, when a surgery looms on the morrow that could change it all, when my arms ache to hold my sister and my brothers and be together again, when my strength is gone, and yes, does He not say that this is when His strength is shone? 

Grace. God, flood me to overflowing! 

(yes, safe and sound, here we are. continue the prayers, please? these next few days hold many uncertainties, but we trust the One Who has had this planned from the beginning of time.)

Even if...

This song, powerful stuff. For the ones fighting cancer and diseases, and the family and friends fighting alongside with them. For the ones whose hearts are hurting. For the ones who don't know how much longer they can last.

Hold on to what you know is true of Who He is. He is good and we will bless Him as good and faithful. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Oh, Yehovah God, may we still praise You. Still trust You. Still seek You. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Join me in prayer, please? My brother's on his way to Texas, and I'm packing my bags to follow. Wednesday will find him under the surgeon's knife, undergoing an extremely risky surgery to remove his lung and cancer tumors. One in twenty do not survive. Yet, the Great Physician is the one in control- and we will praise Him for the good and the bad...even if the healing doesn't come.