Beautiful Brokenness

How do you put into words the beautiful brokenness that this journey gives you? 

Sometimes, I just have to sit back in silence to see what Yehovah has done. To breathe. To recall, to remember. To claim His promises in the dark, to hold on to the flickering light of hope. 

This journey is painful. It burns. It strips away all that I thought was certain and sure. It causes me to let go of what I hold dear. I don't want to. My flesh, it wrestles against it. I want my will. I want my desires. I want to demand of God to give me what I want, what I think is best. 

But oh, His ways are so much higher than mine. 

And you know? It's worth it. It's worth it to be humbled to this place of surrender. It's worth it to be able to stand boldly on the promises of the Most High. It's worth it to have faith- a deep, undying faith that cannot be shaken. 

This cancer journey, it's been filled with brokenness. Broken emotions, broken dreams, broken hearts. But, it's in this brokenness when we're vulnerable and able to share openly with each other without reservations. There is so much deep beauty in that. 

The memory I treasure the most from our Texas trip was holding my brother's hand after he came out of surgery, the way he lifted his head to kiss my cheek, the way he told me over and over that he loved me and squeezed my hand as we talked. 

But my next favorite memory? It was beautiful brokenness with my cousin. 

I have always admired, respected, and looked up to my cousin. I don't think I've ever seen her not put together. That gal looks beautiful even after she just rolls out of bed. She always says the right things, beautiful things that somehow make you just spill your heart out to her. But that night before the surgery, as we all line up to say goodnight- and goodbye- to my beloved brother...she sits there. I kiss my brother, and I wish I could hold him forever...but I see her in the corner of my eye. I see the tears. I see the brokenness. 

And God moves me. My arms wrap around her, and the broken prayer comes forth from my faltering lips as she cries and I fight the tears and I ask the Father to help us because I am so broken and worn and tired. It was brokenness...beautiful brokenness. To hold this amazing woman that I love so much and to be able to cry together to the Father. This, this is what the journey is all about. 

Falling at His feet....humbled that He works in our lives. 

And today? My bestie and I sit on the floor, and we pour our hearts out in joint prayer over so many things that are laid on our burdened hearts. And all of the sudden, the tears burst forth from my soul. I start sobbing as I pray, and she wraps her arms around me. There's so much on my heavy heart, so many loved ones that I'm crying out for. I'm worn from praying, from wrestling in prayer. I'm so broken. So unworthy to come before this Mighty God. But there's so much beauty here. Broken sisters. Vulnerable together, laying down burdens before His Throne. 

Oh, it's beautiful. Because we don't have it all together. We're human- we're broken. We fail. We aren't perfect. We aren't humble- but He knows how to humble us and to show us just how Mighty He is. It's in the fire that unyielding trust and confidence is forged in Him. He doesn't give us these trials to inflict pain upon us- He's so merciful to allow these things into our lives to cause us to dive into a deeper relationship with Him. To allow Him to hold our hand and to walk us through these things. To allow Him to teach us. To shape us. To use us. 

It's beautiful to be broken.