Glorious Unfolding

The water pools in the streets, droplets dancing across the surface. The clouds rumble grey, dimming the lights before the wind carries them away. I watch from the window as the evergreens sway in dance and a mist rises from the ground. The curtains billow, and I edge closer, closer, until my forehead touches the screen.

My heart resonates with this.


I can't help but close my eyes and smile, water spray misting my face. My finger traces the damp windowsill, and I wonder if I should shut this glassy pane- but no. 


In the storm, I smell the fragrance of spring.

In the tempest and storm, life springs forth. In the waiting, He is still creating. And even when I feel the rain beat hard upon my back, I know it is yet for my good- purifying me, causing my roots to sink deeper into Him, into His grace, His love.

I trust in a glorious unfolding.

Because the rain is worth the majesty of the sun bursting forth in glorious array after the storm. Worth the vibrant green of the grass soaking it all up. Worth the brilliant bow of color bent across the sky, a reminder of His enduring promise.

Without the rain, the flowers cannot unfold.

This is life- the storms, the seasons of change, the new and the old and the yet-to-be. And I realize as I pray the Amidah in the jet-black morning, as I bang the pots and pans and the smell of breakfast brings the family together before the dawn- this is glorious. To watch as His glory unfolds- in this world, in the ones you love, in yourself. 

If we knew the end from the beginning, where would the anticipation of the unfolding be? 

I look back, and I am in awe- in awe of the constant refining and the outpouring of His grace to create new things within my soul. I'm speechless, unable to convey all that has been going on in my life and in my heart these past few months, the pruning being done in my life and the anticipation of being on the verge of something new. I am eager to see the unfolding- the gloriously unfolding- of what this new season holds. More refinement. More challenges. More beauty and clearer vision. More opportunity. New chapters, new stories penned by Him. After a year of betrayal and heartache and chemo and cancer, I've only been strengthened. My heart throbs with joy-

And this is just the beginning. 

So let the rain fall, dear one. Soak it up, drink it into your soul, let it seep into all the cracks and wounds. Don't shy away from the storm- life spring up from it. Don't run from the storm, hide in your room, build up fortified walls of protection.

Without the storm, the flowers will not unfold.

(oh, this- an anthem that has been on repeat for the past week. perhaps you'll do the same? make it your candle of hope in the midst of whatever storm you're in?)

Raw Blessings

I started this blog so I could have a place during this cancer journey where my heart could bleed out words- so that it could heal through setting them free. My writings are raw because I tell things the way they are, the way they feel, the way they effect myself and my family. Cancer is not a happy topic- no hardship, illness, or trial is.  You can't sugarcoat heartache or emotions. Because of that, I will not tell you to lighten up through the trials you're facing. I will not tell you that you just need to get over the hurt and pain. However, I will tell you this: you have to wrestle through it- claim Him as your God, no matter what happens. I can tell you that, because I've gone through it. I could list pages of hurts, trials, disappointments, tears, frustration, and then some that this cancer journey has handed me. 

But I could also list pages of blessings. 

I can tell you the blessings of learning to wrestle in prayer, the blessings of treasuring every day as a gift from God, the blessings of loving and serving my family, the blessings of LIFE, the blessings of tears shed together, the blessings of someone's arms around you for comfort, the blessings of the Body of Christ coming together to encourage you and pray with you, the blessings of memories, the blessings of knowing how to help others in the same situation you're going through, the blessings of having nothing left to cling to but His promises, the blessings of a deeper and richer walk with Him as He walks you through the valley...

Sometimes, our biggest blessings...they come through raindrops. Tears. Sleepless nights and fears. The raw heartache. Emotion. 

This woman, she knows. The song "Blessings" was born through her husband's battle with a brain tumor. This song wrestles through all the things we want, the things we view as blessings...but comes to realize that maybe, we've had the wrong definition of blessings all these years. He's showering us with gifts, even through the storms. We just have to choose to see them as such. 

It's a feeling and a knowledge that I cannot describe in words. You'll only experience it when you're the one walking through the valley. I'm not just talking of cancer- we all have our shadows of darkness that we must walk through, whether it be broken relationships, job loss, death, or defeat. It's in those moments when you realize that your relationship with God is not fluff, it's not fancy words, it's not the glamorous blessings of prosperity...

...it's that He's there with you. Carrying you. Causing you to see that He is your all in all- everything you will ever need. Showing you how to cling to His promises. Knowing that even though we're blinded by our human instincts of frustration and anger and doubt, He's standing strong before us- guiding us and lighting our way. 

And that is the greatest blessing of all. 

(let's make this a declaration, shall we? share your raw blessings in a comment below. declare the promises you cling to. no matter who you are, whether i know you or not...we're all on this journey together. so let's praise Him together, yes?) 

Even if...

This song, powerful stuff. For the ones fighting cancer and diseases, and the family and friends fighting alongside with them. For the ones whose hearts are hurting. For the ones who don't know how much longer they can last.

Hold on to what you know is true of Who He is. He is good and we will bless Him as good and faithful. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Oh, Yehovah God, may we still praise You. Still trust You. Still seek You. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Join me in prayer, please? My brother's on his way to Texas, and I'm packing my bags to follow. Wednesday will find him under the surgeon's knife, undergoing an extremely risky surgery to remove his lung and cancer tumors. One in twenty do not survive. Yet, the Great Physician is the one in control- and we will praise Him for the good and the bad...even if the healing doesn't come. 

You're Gonna Have All of Me

As I’ve mentioned before, my 2nd oldest brother is in the middle of his second battle against a very rare cancer called angiosarcosma. The details, they’re too numerous to list. They boggle my mind. They keep me up at night. They keep my prayer life full to where I don’t believe my cup can hold one more drop. They leave me begging the Holy Spirit to intercede for me with groans I cannot comprehend because I have no words left to say. 

Yet, through it all, God is forever showing us unconditional love. As brother and sister, we haven’t always made “unconditional love” our motto between us. But today, that changes. Not just because cancer changes things, but because God changes things within us. I make this my new creed:

I will strive to show unconditional love even though our emotions are bubbling, our nerves are raw, we’re angry, we’re sad, we’re crying one moment and laughing the next. I won’t hide behind jealousy, broken pasts, and hurt feelings. I won’t hide in the corner because I’m afraid loving you will open my heart to more disappointments. Unconditional love is loving you through it all. 

If you’re angry, that’s okay- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If you’re sad, cry it on my shoulder- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If we’re frustrated and mad at each other, I will take a step back and let God work- but know that I still love you, I’ll still be here. 

No matter what this week, next week, next month, or next year brings, you’re gonna have all of me. ‘Cause you’re far worth every tear cried, every late-night plea, every fear we’ll have to face through this God-controlled chaos. 

I love you Ryan, always- you’re one very, very special big brother. 

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // ‘CAUSE YOU’RE WORTH EVERY FALLING TEAR // YOU’RE WORTH FACING ANY FEAR // YOU’RE GONNA KNOW ALL MY LOVE // EVEN IF IT’S NOT ENOUGH // ENOUGH TO MEND OUR BROKEN HEARTS // BUT GIVING YOU ALL OF ME // IS WHERE I START