i will engage // yelling at the devil

It's the season of miracles. 

I suppose you need the darkness in order to see the light, but right now I'm not ready for it.

I'm not ready for more spots. More cancer. 

I'm not ready, so I hide. I go to work, take my classes, try to get over this never-ending cold I have while working out how to rearrange everything into a feasible schedule. I don't let my emotions engage. I take the news in survival mode, where things are statistics and solutions.

It's not that I don't care- I care too much. 

As siblings, we all have this bond. We have the same blood in our veins. When one of us hurts, we all hurt- each in our own way. Some of us hide. Some of us run. Some of us talk, some of us stay silent. We all process it differently, all share it differently...but we all hurt.

I don't want to hide- I want to engage. 

After a long week of classes and being sick myself, I drove home from work today feeling so unconnected. I think back to the last time there was spots on his brain, and no emotion was almost as bad as feeling so much. How can I engage? Stay sane? A song came over the radio, and I sat there in traffic feeling numb.

I am not ready to live without him. 

Words seemed trapped in my mouth, words I wanted to say but wasn't sure if it would be acceptable. If they would be appropriate. If this was how I needed to engage. I tried twice, but they didn't come out.

I took a deep breath, and forced my mouth open:

I yelled at the devil. 

I shook my fist in traffic and shouted-

You cannot take him. 

As soon as the words were out, the tears came. The wall I built around my soul to stop the pain came crumbling down in a flood. I blinked hard to see the slow moving cars surrounding me.

If God wants to take him, it's His right, but I refuse to sit by and let anything else steal him away. Refuse to see anything except the complete restoration and redemption in his life. I refuse to just stand by and pray simple prayers.

I will war.

There in traffic, I shouted out my prayers while the broken dam of tears found their release. I yelled out prayers for him, for my other brothers, for things that have weighed heavy on my heart this week but I've stuffed them aside in my mode to survive. I shouted out for redemption and restoration, for the ability to engage and to awaken my soul to war.

My voice shakes- but I yell out praise for the times he had clear scans. For the time we've had to breathe.

I won't be silent. Cannot be silent.

I will be the watchman for the restoration of my brothers. 

The enemy is defeated. 

A Letter // To The Ladies Who Bought My Coffee

To the ladies who bought my coffee today and gave me a flower- 

It seems like such a small thing to do, but it meant the world to me. 

You don't know anything about me. You didn't know that I just spent the past four hours in language class, staring at a computer screen until my back ached and my eyes strained. You didn't know how stressed I felt, feeling like I signed my days away for the next six weeks and not a clue how I'd fit in the multitude of other things I need to get done. You didn't know how my lungs ached to breathe without coughing after days with no apparent cause. You didn't know how I felt about today- humdrum and missing the disappearing holiday week, one that's supposed to be joyous and filled with light and hope. 

You didn't know anything about me- but it didn't stop you. 

One of you put your hand right over the scanner and didn't ask me- you told me- that today you're paying for my coffee. Your friend, holding a bouquet of red carnations, chose one from her diminishing bundle and handed one to me with a smile. 

You didn't know that the last time someone bought me flowers was almost a year ago next week.

It was just a single stem, but it felt like God's grace. I clutched it and smiled, fingers tracing the delicate unfolding petals. You didn't know that I always buy flowers for others, but never for myself. 

I gave you hugs because even though coffee and flowers seem so small and insignificant in the whole scheme of life, nothing could have been more significant today to bless my heart and soul. You only asked that in return, I would text someone to let them know I loved them. 

This is what love does. It goes to the stranger and crosses the bridge to make a friend. It sees the soul and touches it with encouragement. It reaches out when there's no reason to and no reward at all. 

It buys coffee and passes out flowers in a bustling coffee shop in my small downtown. 

From the bottom of my heart- thank you. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for buying my coffee. Thank you for choosing that flower from your bouquet with me in mind. Thank you for lighting up my day with a brilliant ray of sunshine, a most certain hug from God. Thank you for rekindling hope in my heart- that miracles occur even still today. Thank you for listening to the call, for being willing to give of your own time and money and resources to bless the life of complete strangers. 

Thank you. 

I put my flower in a vase and my mom put hers in there, too. I set it on my desk, overflowing with textbooks and laptop, pencils and notebooks. Because tomorrow, when I wake up and start the day with another round of lessons and a lengthly list to cram in around it of things to do, I need to see this as a reminder. 

God delights to give good things. 

Thank you for letting Him use you to remind me today.