Strength // Flood Me

Strength.

When I'm running on 48 hours with only 6 hours of sleep, when there's no time for a shower but just slap some make-up on and hope I look human, when we all sit around in the lobby at 5 in the morning waiting, when he finally walks in the door and how can you add the "good" to the "morning"? 

Strength.

When you watch this brother kiss his sons goodbye and watch as the wife takes a last photo of them being kissed by daddy, when you watch the two of them walk these long steps towards the hospital hand in hand, when you hear the horrible details of a surgery and know the pain he will go through and why is it that we can't share the pain with him? Ease it somehow?

Strength.

When the familiar smell of the cancer ward hits your nostrils, when the memories hit of a summer full of chemo, when we all gather in this waiting room, when you watch your father lay his hands on his son and we all gather 'round and do the same, when you watch your big brother cry across the room by himself because how does a man let these emotions out as you watch your sibling suffer?

Strength.

When you hear him say "See you on the other side", when you hug him and kiss him and wish you could hold on forever, when youngest and oldest siblings embrace in tears and I wrap my arms around these two big men that I love with all my heart and I sob with them, when my arms are full of them and yet they feel so empty because we're missing one of us. 

Strength.

When this head pounds, when you see your father and oldest brother sitting side by side and pray their hearts heal together, when you're in a waiting room full of people of all different situations, when everyone shows their emotion in their own way, when you're praying you can be His Eyes and His Voice and His Hands and His Feet but sometimes perhaps we are just called to be His Tears?

Strength.

When it's not even 7 in the morning yet we're already exhausted, when physical strength wears out with the emotional, when this surgery hasn't even begun yet but this day seems like an eternity already, when I know there's others that haven't been able to show their emotions and how do you help them know that it's okay to share?

Strength.

When your mind is filled of the horrors he must go through, when you think of clamped lungs and gasping for air, when it feels like the air is being sucked out of my lungs, when you're not sure how to minister to others because you need to be ministered to, too, when you see the doctors in their white coats and scrubs and caps walk by and you wonder whose lives will be forever changed? 

Strength.

When you just feel lonely, when you need a hug, when there are those who are hundreds of miles away but I so wish I could just cry on their shoulder and be held and feel secure in someone's arms, when I'm the one praying broken prayers and how long O Father do I have to cry for help? 

Strength. God, flood me to overflowing! 

(today has come- surgery day. may we all be filled with His strength and rest in what He has planned from the beginning of time.)