Joy // Flood Me

Joy.

When you're praying with a sister and come back from the prayer closet and this news greets your ear, when your heart sings a thousand hallelujahs, when the birds sing in the trees and who knew a brown Texas could look so green and beautiful? 

Joy. 

When the sunshine outside can finally touch my soul and He warms me from the inside out, when the flowers perfume the air and you can see beauty in this broken world, when each step you take is with more confidence in Him and isn't this what trials should do to you?

Joy. 

When the men break their fast and dad holds me while our hearts sing praise, when you're standing in the center of the food court reading the news and we gobble up His story before the food hits the table, when you follow the Father's leading and you SEE how all these fragments fit together, and shouldn't we all stand in awe that He should reveal a glimpse of His majestic sovereignty?

Joy.

When this story of our lives touches another cancer patient, tears streaming down her face, and dad tells her that her Creator loves her and has beautiful things for her, and we're all in a puddle of humble tears as  Yehovah God moves us and leads us for His glory- because isn't this what pain is all about?  

Joy.

When a father goes back to see his son, and can you imagine the love the Father has for His? 

Joy.

When I hold his hand and he squeezes back, when we say "I love you" again and again because we know now that this life is so fragile, when he kisses my cheek and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, when this smile won't leave my face because I'm talking with him and we have undivided attention, and when's the last time you gave your brother yours?

Joy. God, You have flooded me to overflowing.

(yes, two posts in one day. but this heart is singing praise- even though it's not all over yet. with the surgery behind us, these next few days are critical and he's not out of the woods yet. continued prayers for pain management and healing!)

Strength // Flood Me

Strength.

When I'm running on 48 hours with only 6 hours of sleep, when there's no time for a shower but just slap some make-up on and hope I look human, when we all sit around in the lobby at 5 in the morning waiting, when he finally walks in the door and how can you add the "good" to the "morning"? 

Strength.

When you watch this brother kiss his sons goodbye and watch as the wife takes a last photo of them being kissed by daddy, when you watch the two of them walk these long steps towards the hospital hand in hand, when you hear the horrible details of a surgery and know the pain he will go through and why is it that we can't share the pain with him? Ease it somehow?

Strength.

When the familiar smell of the cancer ward hits your nostrils, when the memories hit of a summer full of chemo, when we all gather in this waiting room, when you watch your father lay his hands on his son and we all gather 'round and do the same, when you watch your big brother cry across the room by himself because how does a man let these emotions out as you watch your sibling suffer?

Strength.

When you hear him say "See you on the other side", when you hug him and kiss him and wish you could hold on forever, when youngest and oldest siblings embrace in tears and I wrap my arms around these two big men that I love with all my heart and I sob with them, when my arms are full of them and yet they feel so empty because we're missing one of us. 

Strength.

When this head pounds, when you see your father and oldest brother sitting side by side and pray their hearts heal together, when you're in a waiting room full of people of all different situations, when everyone shows their emotion in their own way, when you're praying you can be His Eyes and His Voice and His Hands and His Feet but sometimes perhaps we are just called to be His Tears?

Strength.

When it's not even 7 in the morning yet we're already exhausted, when physical strength wears out with the emotional, when this surgery hasn't even begun yet but this day seems like an eternity already, when I know there's others that haven't been able to show their emotions and how do you help them know that it's okay to share?

Strength.

When your mind is filled of the horrors he must go through, when you think of clamped lungs and gasping for air, when it feels like the air is being sucked out of my lungs, when you're not sure how to minister to others because you need to be ministered to, too, when you see the doctors in their white coats and scrubs and caps walk by and you wonder whose lives will be forever changed? 

Strength.

When you just feel lonely, when you need a hug, when there are those who are hundreds of miles away but I so wish I could just cry on their shoulder and be held and feel secure in someone's arms, when I'm the one praying broken prayers and how long O Father do I have to cry for help? 

Strength. God, flood me to overflowing! 

(today has come- surgery day. may we all be filled with His strength and rest in what He has planned from the beginning of time.)

Grace // Flood Me

Grace. 

When you've gone from adrenaline rush highs in the dimly dawning morning, when you've hopped from airport to airport, when you've flown 32,000 feet about this bluish green spinning marble we call earth, when you've dragged bags and slung others, when you've prayed for those you pass by and beg for Him to give you His Eyes and who knew cancer was such a conversation starter? 

Grace. 

When you realize that all these things you think are "needs" are really "wants" and all you really want to do by the 3rd airport is rid yourself not just of these burdens but the burdens of your soul as well, when plans change and flights delay and people aren't where they are supposed to be- and you forget they really are where He wants them to be, when the news from the doctor are promising and there is always hope and why do we doubt His sovereignty? 

Grace. 

When these worn feet finally kick off the shoes but can't kick off the exhaustion, when this family is tired and yet we cannot waste this precious day, when a surgery looms on the morrow that could change it all, when my arms ache to hold my sister and my brothers and be together again, when my strength is gone, and yes, does He not say that this is when His strength is shone? 

Grace. God, flood me to overflowing! 

(yes, safe and sound, here we are. continue the prayers, please? these next few days hold many uncertainties, but we trust the One Who has had this planned from the beginning of time.)

Even if...

This song, powerful stuff. For the ones fighting cancer and diseases, and the family and friends fighting alongside with them. For the ones whose hearts are hurting. For the ones who don't know how much longer they can last.

Hold on to what you know is true of Who He is. He is good and we will bless Him as good and faithful. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Oh, Yehovah God, may we still praise You. Still trust You. Still seek You. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

Join me in prayer, please? My brother's on his way to Texas, and I'm packing my bags to follow. Wednesday will find him under the surgeon's knife, undergoing an extremely risky surgery to remove his lung and cancer tumors. One in twenty do not survive. Yet, the Great Physician is the one in control- and we will praise Him for the good and the bad...even if the healing doesn't come. 

You're Gonna Have All of Me

As I’ve mentioned before, my 2nd oldest brother is in the middle of his second battle against a very rare cancer called angiosarcosma. The details, they’re too numerous to list. They boggle my mind. They keep me up at night. They keep my prayer life full to where I don’t believe my cup can hold one more drop. They leave me begging the Holy Spirit to intercede for me with groans I cannot comprehend because I have no words left to say. 

Yet, through it all, God is forever showing us unconditional love. As brother and sister, we haven’t always made “unconditional love” our motto between us. But today, that changes. Not just because cancer changes things, but because God changes things within us. I make this my new creed:

I will strive to show unconditional love even though our emotions are bubbling, our nerves are raw, we’re angry, we’re sad, we’re crying one moment and laughing the next. I won’t hide behind jealousy, broken pasts, and hurt feelings. I won’t hide in the corner because I’m afraid loving you will open my heart to more disappointments. Unconditional love is loving you through it all. 

If you’re angry, that’s okay- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If you’re sad, cry it on my shoulder- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If we’re frustrated and mad at each other, I will take a step back and let God work- but know that I still love you, I’ll still be here. 

No matter what this week, next week, next month, or next year brings, you’re gonna have all of me. ‘Cause you’re far worth every tear cried, every late-night plea, every fear we’ll have to face through this God-controlled chaos. 

I love you Ryan, always- you’re one very, very special big brother. 

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // ‘CAUSE YOU’RE WORTH EVERY FALLING TEAR // YOU’RE WORTH FACING ANY FEAR // YOU’RE GONNA KNOW ALL MY LOVE // EVEN IF IT’S NOT ENOUGH // ENOUGH TO MEND OUR BROKEN HEARTS // BUT GIVING YOU ALL OF ME // IS WHERE I START

Living With Goodbye

For the past few years, it seems as though my life has been filled with goodbyes. Six months ago I was saying goodbye to my childhood dog of 15 ½ years (and yes, when they get that old you do start counting ½ years!) One year ago it was a dear friend who died suddenly, within 24 hours of being rushed to the hospital. Two years ago it was my WWII great-grandpa who passed on.  To this day, anytime I smell vanilla I think of great-grandpa- sitting in his big chair, smoking that old-fashioned pipe of his, making jokes and basking in the love of all the grandkids and great-grandkids. And I wish he were here so I can hear him chuckle again. 

These are forever goodbyes. The memories bring tears when you don’t expect them to. They hurt- oh, how deep they hurt- but you know that no amount of crying will bring them back. The Almighty has decided, He has acted, and His will was done.

But how do you live with goodbyes?

The cousin you haven’t seen in over ten years, stationed in some remote place half way across the world, fighting for our freedom?

The brother-in-law deployed for months on end to defend our country at a moment’s call, left in the thick of the battle?

The friend slipping away to the desires of the world, unwilling to listen to truth?

The brother with cancer, battling for his life, laying in a hospital bed with toxic orange fluid dripping into his chest?

I don’t know the future. The Almighty is working, truly He is, but at times His Hand is hidden from view. We are all living goodbyes, never really knowing when that precious life we love will be taken for the Father’s glory. Perhaps I’m being morbid, perhaps this subject is too delicate a topic to be handled by my clumsy thoughts. However, sometimes I think the living goodbyes are harder than the forever ones. As you’re praying on your knees, tears streaming down your face, arms spread open in a desperate plea for God to work on behalf of these loved ones…the pain is deep there.

But so is the comfort. 

In the agonizing prayer from the closed and inner room of the heart comes the peace that surpasses all understanding. God’s there. He’s real. He’s here.

He knows what’s best. He’s holding our lives in His Hands. He is the God of the impossible miracles. 

Trusting Him is the only way how to live with goodbyes.

The Wild Ride of Faith...

...because God calls us to adventure to keep from becoming stagnant. This blog is my new stomping grounds, a place that I can share my life, poured out for my Master's use.

But why "His Irish Flame"? Amy Carmichael's words says it all:

Give me the Love that leads the way

The Faith that nothing can dismay

The Hope no disappointments tire

The Passion that'll burn like a fire

Let me not sink to be a clod

Make me Thy fuel, O Flame of God

I am an Irish lass, who desires with every fiber of her being to live set-apart and in awe of Yehovah God. Passionately. Relentlessly. Courageously. Epically.

I'm not new to blogging, although I haven't attempted a post in years. Lately, the blogging bug has bitten me again- perhaps because this wild ride of faith just got a wee bit more crazy. My 2nd oldest brother is battling for his life as he fights a very rare cancer, and through all the emotions and turmoil, I've found that I desire a place of escape- where my words can flow from my heart to ease what is all building up inside. For people to see what's inside, when no words can leave my lips because the emotion is too deep. A place that is a living testimony of what the Father is doing in me- and what He can do in all of us.

So join me, as I dive into the deep end, fully trusting that He will hold me up in His Hands. The Father doesn't call us to a stroll in the park, but to the wildest adventure you could ever imagine.