Crushed // When the Cancer Strikes Again

Crushed. That sums up just about everything this morning. Crushed. Like a boulder that has been tottering on the top of this mountain we've been climbing just started rolling and smacked us with it's full force. 

Can I say it? Can I be angry? 

I hate cancer. I despise it. 

We were on the top of the mountain. Rejoicing in God's miracles for a miraculous healing from Ryan's surgery. We've been praying for his faith to be strengthened. But this fire we're walking through? I feel like we're all just going to turn to dust. 

When you wake up with this news, and you go downstairs and you hear your parents crying and you listen as your father tries to convey something over the phone but his voice is just too choked up to be understood....

Crushed. 

How do you still believe in miracles? When your dad comes in to kiss you goodmorning and his eyes are swollen from crying, and he has had the faith of a warrior that the miracle would come? When I can do nothing but shake like I'm cold but it's all just shock? 

I can't process it all. I can't. I can't. 

It's here that all you can do is just beg the Holy Spirit to intercede with groans beyond human comprehension. I have no words. I don't know what to pray. As a cancer family, you go from the top of the mountain to crushed in the valley in a matter of hours. It's too much. Just too much. 

And yet He promises He will not give us more than we can handle. 

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. More than that, I don't want my brother to be bitter or angry. I refuse to turn my back on God. Refuse. I will cling to Him because just one miracle is enough. I pray that He grants us more. But I have to believe that He is still good. I cannot demand only good from Him. I need to let Him walk with me through these flames. I cannot let my faith be burned. 

I must still say, "You are God, You are good, You are faithful." 

I'm crushed. We're all crushed. But we still have to trust that He will bind up our wounds. He will bind up our hearts. He will make Himself so known to us through the fire. This is in His plan. He knows what's going on. His heart breaks for us as all these emotions rage war against our bodies. But He wants to teach us. To have us grow so closer to His heart through this. 

We are crushed, but not abandoned. 

Please, pray for us all.