When Cancer Lurks Again

I sense that the nightmare is about to begin again. My brother's life flashes before my eyes. My past year plays over and over again in my memory- and I wonder if every year will feel this way. Will hold this pain. My body shuts down at the thought.

Three suspicious spots. 

I'm not ready for another battle. I'm not ready because I know this round will not grace us with hope. Options will soon be exhausted- and so will our souls.

Yehovah, fight this battle on our behalf- because we have no strength or wisdom to fight this on our own.

I cannot explain the feeling. How one moment you're laughing in the store with friends, and the phone vibrates. No matter how gently spoken, the words ruthlessly toss everything upside down and shake everything into insecurity. How your heart races- and won't stop racing- and your blood pressure throbs in your temples. How every muscle turns taught because it's entered into survival mode and you've been rendered mute because words won't come. You sit in silence- and silence mocks you.

You're filled with dread, because you are no stranger to this feeling You are filled with grief, because you are not ignorant of the grueling battle he will face. Your mind plays tricks on you, because any mention of the word "spot" thrusts your imagination into the scary places of the unknown.

So I pray, but I don't know what words to use. Abba, see our hearts and comfort our souls. We are weary and faint- renew your works as of old.