You're Gonna Have All of Me

As I’ve mentioned before, my 2nd oldest brother is in the middle of his second battle against a very rare cancer called angiosarcosma. The details, they’re too numerous to list. They boggle my mind. They keep me up at night. They keep my prayer life full to where I don’t believe my cup can hold one more drop. They leave me begging the Holy Spirit to intercede for me with groans I cannot comprehend because I have no words left to say. 

Yet, through it all, God is forever showing us unconditional love. As brother and sister, we haven’t always made “unconditional love” our motto between us. But today, that changes. Not just because cancer changes things, but because God changes things within us. I make this my new creed:

I will strive to show unconditional love even though our emotions are bubbling, our nerves are raw, we’re angry, we’re sad, we’re crying one moment and laughing the next. I won’t hide behind jealousy, broken pasts, and hurt feelings. I won’t hide in the corner because I’m afraid loving you will open my heart to more disappointments. Unconditional love is loving you through it all. 

If you’re angry, that’s okay- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If you’re sad, cry it on my shoulder- I still love you, I’ll still be here. If we’re frustrated and mad at each other, I will take a step back and let God work- but know that I still love you, I’ll still be here. 

No matter what this week, next week, next month, or next year brings, you’re gonna have all of me. ‘Cause you’re far worth every tear cried, every late-night plea, every fear we’ll have to face through this God-controlled chaos. 

I love you Ryan, always- you’re one very, very special big brother. 

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // YOU’RE GONNA HAVE ALL OF ME // ‘CAUSE YOU’RE WORTH EVERY FALLING TEAR // YOU’RE WORTH FACING ANY FEAR // YOU’RE GONNA KNOW ALL MY LOVE // EVEN IF IT’S NOT ENOUGH // ENOUGH TO MEND OUR BROKEN HEARTS // BUT GIVING YOU ALL OF ME // IS WHERE I START